Im trying to live each day to the fullest. It's hard sometimes, you get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, work, laundry, dinner, keeping Zack entertained, spending time with my hubby.... worrying about paying bills, cleaning the house.... it's soo hard sometimes, but I've realized that life is too short to let one day go bye without stopping and smelling the roses. Since dad passed away almost 5 months there is not a moment in my day that I dont think about him and ask God why did you have to take him from us... I know the reason why he is up in Heaven, I know he's not suffering anymore, and that is a good thing, but I am being selfish I guess for wanting him here with us. Zack and I took a flower to him that said grandpa on it on Saturday. We talked to papa for a little while and Zack tapped me on the shoulder and told me not to be sad or to cry any tears cause papa was up in heaven watching us and he is up there talking and walking like he hasnt done in soo long. So from the eyes of Zack, who always has a smile on his face and a sparkle in his eye I am trying to live everyday to the fullest and to be happy like papa would have wanted us to be.

Each day I try to mentally prepare myself for the upcoming day. I always thank God that I am here, I thank God for my family that is also with me and for those who have gone on to bigger and better things in life. I am thankful for the roof that I have over my head, the clothes I wear and the food that I eat. Sometimes I've sort of secretly wished that I had a bigger house, a better car to drive, able to go on really cool vacations and not have to worry when I want to indulge in a little something for me, which rarely ever happens. I think about what this big new house would look like, what kind of car I would be driving and where our next vacation would be... I think about the cool new clothes or shoes that would be in this big closet of mine.... and in all reality I dont need any of that... Yea my house is small, but it's home, it's our first house we bought together. It's where we brought Zack home from the hospital to. We"ve had so many memories in this house and I'm sure many more to come over the years.. We've had our share of cars too.. it's something that gets you from point A to point B... it's just an object,, and vacations are just more memories to store away in our minds... So I've come to realize that I guess I really am sort of a simple person,,, I dont need a big house, cool car, lavish vacation and clothes to go along with it.....I am who I am and it makes me happy that I have a house, car, clothes and lots of memories to go along with it

Ever feel like you are being pulled and tugged on and you just cant let go? I feel like I can never say no to anyone. I am afraid to hurt someone's feelings, upset them, make them mad at me or worry about what they think of me.... WHY??? I would like to say I am a good person, a good listener, a caring compassionate friend... I always put other people before myself. Why do I do that? Am I that weak that I cant stand up for myself? Am I gullible, is there such a thing as being too caring? I listen to other people's problems, listen to them vent, for them to unload their stresses and problems on me. Maybe I should go back to school and finish my psychology that I started years ago. I love people, and trying to help others out and making them feel better, but when is enough enough??? I stress more about other people's issues, which causes me to get a migraine, but I just cant say enough is enough. One day I would just love for someone to say to me,, Hey Chrissy, how are you doing today, how was your day, did you take any pictures today.... I sometimes wonder if the people who are close to me really know anything about me.... do they know my favorite food, or book, or movie.... know what my dreams are and what inspire me everyday..... I guess one will never know......

Being the mom of a 9 yr old with ADHD is soo rewarding but exhausting at the same time. Before Zack was diagnosed a year ago I thought Zack was just being naughty, couldnt sit still couldnt pay attention for long periods of time... School was awful, dreaded going to pick him up after school to see what he did or didnt do. Now that I am understanding the ins and outs of this ADHD thing I am starting to think that it was sort of a gift from God. It has taught me to have to be more patient and understanding. I cant just blow things out of proportion anymore and fly off the handle because of something Zack did or didnt do. I used to think to myself, why me, why Zack.. but now I tell myself that this ADHD thing has brought us closer together as a family. It has taught us to take a step back and look at the big picture of things, not to snap judgement and yell right away... does it drain me physically and emotionally? Yes it does... but to see Zack's smile on his face, which by the way is there all the time, it makes it soo worth it at the end of the day. Im not going to say this has been easy, but I learn something new about myself as a mom and Zack as my son every single day. I wouldnt change it for the world !!!

Day 2 of not sleeping. This is crazy, tossed and turned, tangled up in the sheets.... So much on my mind that I cant shut down my mind, the wheels up there keep tossing and turning. I know all this worrying that I am doing is only stressing me out more and it's not solving my problems but I cant stop myself. I am trying so hard to stay positive, telling myself that things will work out and it's not going to change anything that I am worried about .... but why do I keep worrying ??? If a complete stranger were to strike up a conversation with me and tell me something about themselves I would eventually worry about them too... Is this a sickness I have? Is this normal? Does it mean that I am a overly caring and sensitive person?

How do you stay positive in a world that is sooo negative? I ask myself this at least 4 or 5 times a day. I know that we all have problems, some are greater than others, and yet most of these problems are out of our hands that we have no control over. But how do you keep your head held high everyday and stay happy? I mean I have a wonderful husband, whom I need to tell more how much I love him and how much he means to me... he's been there for me thru thick and thin... I have an awesome 9 yr old son who always has a smile on his face, except when we are talking about school.... I have a great big family, mom, 2 sisters, 4 brothers, numerous nieces and nephews, sis and bro in laws.... so how is it that sometimes that is just not enough? Is it because of society today always wanting and thinking that we need more? Yea I would like a bigger house, but my house is my home.. I have a job, it stinks getting up at 3:30 am everyday but it is a job and it's helping pay bills... I have wonderful family who mean everything to me, but can I ever truely tell them what is really on my mind without hurting someone's feelings?? I guess I"ll never know the answer to that question so I will have to wake up everyday and be thankful for what I have in my life, who I have in my life and for being alive!!

So this past weekend was all about family... I spent the day with mom. We had a great day and evening, no pressure to do anything, we just sat around and talked, well Zack talked alot !!! It was nice to get our minds off of everyday life stresses and the worries of the rough year that the family has had. Sitting with mom and just talking has made me realize what a tough "cookie" she really is. She raised my middle sister and I all by herself, no help from my biological father, I dont think he deserves to have that title but I am having a moment of respect here... To this day I have never heard her ever complain or ever have any regrets about her life.... She was left to raise the 2 of us with no financial help from anyone, we didnt have a father in life, but looking back now, those were the happiest days of our lives. Mom showed us all the love and support that any child could ever dream of having... We went on walks to the library, to the park, Dairy Queen..... we were always crafting or doing something fun.... I have nothing but happy memories of my childhood and I too hope that when my Zack looks back at his childhood he has the same memories..... I owe all that I am today to my mom.... She is my role model and I hope I can live up to her expectations... I am soo proud of her for being such a strong person.... she's been through alot especially these last few years with dad being sick but she is truely an inspiration to me and in case I havent told her lately I LOVE YOU MOM

So this is day 2 of my attempt to blog everyday.... Ever ask yourself why??? I find myself asking this of myself alot lately, at least a few times a day... As of lately the most recent one has been why did God take Dad away? I mean I know that he suffered soo much and he was in so much pain. I know that his life was not in our hands, that God had some other special plans for Dad. I cant stop thinking about him, it has been 3 months and a week since he left us and I think about him more than I have at any other time... Does that mean that Dad is watching down on me and the rest of the family making sure we are all ok? Does it mean he approves of all 7 of his kids and 14 of his grandkids? Does it mean that he is watching over mom making sure all is well with her?? I miss him soo much it hurts, I hate to see mom sad and Katie sad and the rest of the family... I think the only thing getting me through him not being here is knowing he is not suffering and not in any pain at all... I know he is up in Heaven with his parents and sister and the rest of the family, I know that he is pain free, he is walking and talking like he had not done in soo long,,, My answer to why came to me this evening when I saw the beautiful sunset and I said to myself that is why... That is Dad telling me everything is going to be ok...... Love you Dad

So I figured since I was turning that "magical number " this year that I should try something new.... I have always wanted to write a book, or own a bookstore like in "You've Got Mail" so I thought what a good way to start than by blogging... Not really sure how to do this, since I am not very computer oriented but what the heck no time like the present... I hopefully one day will be very good at this, be able to take a photo or two a day and post them on my blog and maybe even get a few people to follow me... Until that day comes I guess it's me and this blank screen staring back at me...................